Desinence

Trembling at the core I sit and stare.
Head hung low, and eyes fixated, I stare.
An explosive invasion of thoughts swarm my head,
Forming puddle caps underneath my eyes.
"I miss you so much." Is the first intrusion.
"Let's get back together." The second intrusion.
"Do you miss me?" Third intrusion.
"Probably not as much as I do." Final intrusion.

Memories of the good times dance across your temple like notes on sheet music.
Dissonance-
A shiver causes my hands to shake,
Eyes squint shut, a tear stream down my cheek.
Images of others pass me by like pedestrians on New York City busy streets.
It's too many.
Each parades a chain hanging from their necks:
"We've Fucked While You Were Out"
"More Than Just A Brother...Think About It"
"We Currently Date...You Didn't Know?"

When do you really let something go? Is there a specific time limit for how long you have to hold it before you can let it go? Or, how soon would it be appropriate to let it go? Furthermore, how would you know that you've let it go, completely? I want to know!

Many of us have experience this when it came to breaking up with a love one. I know I did and still do. Male SGL relationships, I believe, are way more difficult than any other relationship. We go through 10x's more things in a six month period than any other sexual oriented couple, but to have gone through the roller coaster ride for 3.5yrs, it's even more strenuous. If you two haven't fallen in love within this time frame, then what was the sense of staying together and going through it all? Honestly, it's rare for any couple to be in a relationship for that long and not fall in love, and then out of love.

Trust is the major, if not, most important element in most relationships, but for male SGL relationships, it is paramont. This is mostly due to the sexual nature of both partners. We must admit, as men, we are sexual creatures. When something looks fresh and new and gains our interest, we have to capture it, experience it, and occasionally indulge in it from time to time. With this being said, the trust factor has to be establish almost prematurely and cemented so that the relationship can have a longer lasting duration, thus, creating a firm foundation.

We're told by family members, friends, strangers, teachers and others that in a life's time you will fall in love at least once. This means that you will create a heart-link with a special individual who will gain special authority to manipulate you in a plethora of ways, both good and bad. I think it comes with the territory. Love is a supernatural feeling. Many have tried to explain what it is, but the truth of the matter is it's very subjective yet objectively intriguing to everyone wishing to find "the one". The feelings are synonymous within everyone, yet it compels you to act and behave in contrasting ways. I'll give my definition of "In Love" in the end.

"Take out a piece of paper and on one side, right all the positive things about your relationship, and on the other side, write the negative things. If the positive outweighs the negative, then there is a means to stay together. If the negative outweighs the positive, then there is a means to go your separate ways." We've all heard this, but have we tried it? I have, sort of. I've laid in bed, sat in a train car seat, road in the passenger seat of a car, daydreaming for 11 months about these such things, and finally reached a conclusion. During the many years my relationship endured, the negative outweighs the positive. Thus, I must close this chapter in my life. There you have it. It's done. Finished. I can move on.

This is just what outsiders think, but only a few can attest to the complexities of such a closure to a serious lengthy relationship. You go through stages of disconnection, is what I call it.

1.) Heartache- This stage is extremely sensitive and overwhelming with feelings and emotions, sometimes following depression, lack of appetite, sleep, anti-social behavior, and crying. This initial stage is the first part of the process. Anger, hurt, rage, and melancholy behavior are some of the most notable symptoms. This is also one of the most hyper-attentive stages of the disconnection process. Anything can trigger a memory that can ignite any one of the symptoms and feelings that I've expressed.

2.) Accusation- This second stage is where you start to figure out where the decline started. You're pretty judgmental of yourself and your position within the relationship, sometimes pointing the blame at yourself for specific reasons, not entirely the core problem that lead to the break up. You tend to ration with yourself and your ex, determining where compromising could have alleviated the tension and circumstances that caused the break up. You feel remorseful, alone, as well as many of the symptoms within the first stage.

3.) Reconnection- This is the Mighty Third stage. I call it Mighty Third because during this stage, the rate at which a couple gets back together is high, mainly because of the second stage. You've decided that you want to give the relationship another go, seeing if the things you've come to find that have possibly caused the end of your relationship, can be fixed through compromising and reconciliation. Feelings of "new love", excitement, longing, and fulfillment are experienced. However, sometimes coming to the realization of what has happened, you opt for a friendship rather than a relationship to allow some type of connection to stay. Let's face it, if you've invested a lot of time and energy into someone who you've fallen in love with, part of them you want to continue to keep with you, usually the good parts of them; the memories of the good times that you've spent together is what makes this an option. Going back in forth is inevitable within the third stage, and the length of time spent here can be as short as a month or two, or for more serious heart-link ties, years. Nevertheless, depending on how detrimental the relationship was for you, you might opt out of having anything to do with them, bringing you to the fourth stage: Coping.

4.) Coping- the second to last stage, is where you've determine that what has happened, was meant. Hopefully, you've learned what you needed so that the next relationship you get into would be more lasting and possibly, "the one". You've accepted your faults and have forgiven yourself as well as your ex. You decide to remain single for a while to finish the healing process of the disconnection. Also, you're starting to get back into the dating world, but this time, with more preferences/requirements of your potential new lover. Excitingly, you're starting to do some of the things you use to do, prior to the relationship, that defined some part of your character. You're ready to enjoy life and move forward, you're ready to Disconnect.

5.) Disconnect- You've officially let go. You've erased and removed everything that was possible from your most recent relationship, and you are stronger and eager to socialize with others. You're sort of looking for "the one," but is every much enjoying your single life. You're becoming more like your old self, in a good way. You're ready for you heart to be capture yet again. You're still healing, but the wounds are closed, just a couple of fresh scabs that peal off occasionally, exposing smidgens of the past. Nevertheless, you are...available.

I've been stuck in the third stage since January 2010, that's 11 months to date. Close to a year later, I've finally reached the final stage. I've disconnected, and I feel a big release. I no longer have the desire to want to get back with my ex, nor do I have the desire to want any type of relationship with him, for now at least. I'm ready to finish the healing process and move forward, embarking on a new journey with that special someone. Who knows when that day will come, but when it does, I promise I'll be ready on all levels. It was a joy to have grown as much as I have. I thank God for healing, and I thank God for giving Eddie D. Burks the strength to persevere.

"So what's your definition of being 'in love'?" You ask.

It's quite simple: to be vulnerable to accepting things as they are, quite ignorantly, I might add. Yet, having the strength to uncover truths that lies within the sentiments of fleshly emotions, coated with words, actions, behaviors, and ideas all computing "the feeling" at an instant. Obliviousness I suppose... In other words, it's just as I've stated: "the truth of the matter is, it's very subjective yet objectively intriguing to everyone wishing to find 'the one'. The feelings are synonymous within everyone, yet it compels you to act and behave in contrasting ways." But we all love the feeling, we just want it with the right person doing the right things.

**sighs**